Some days, I feel like I never want to be with anyone ever.

Spend my days involved in my own head and my own goals, doing whatever I want. No heartbreaks. No complications. No expectations and disappointments. 

Other days, like today, I yearn for something so much more. 

Something so much greater than myself, and it makes me realize how alone I am.

Don’t judge me, BUT I watched two episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place this morning trying to get through my hangover. The first episode introduced an androgynous girl named Stevie:

My reaction initially was, “Right on Disney Channel! Let kids know its acceptable to wear clothes and do your hair that don’t necessarily fit in the gender norms!” I was pretty pleased about this. For the most part, Disney Channel characters are dressed according to their sex: dresses or heals for the girls, and jeans, t shirt, and maybe a pair of Nikes for the boys. The first episode showed Stevie as a friendly wizard that enjoyed to rock out to hardcore bands.(Which again, is very UNLIKE Disney Channel to expose kids to any other music than cheerful basketball players and cheerleaders bouncing off the walls singing about love.) ANYWAYS. The next episode has Stevie in it, as well. Which got me pretty pumped to see that she just wasn’t a guest on the show. Well, Disney managed to fuck shit up by making the ONE different looking androgynous rocker-chic girl into a secret evil leader of a “Wizard Revolution”. Seriously? SERIOUSLY. Oh, don’t let me forget that in the end she was ultimately taken down of course, turned into ice, and then smashed into a million pieces. Bravo.

My pillow whispers in my ear

secrets, lies, and forgotten wounds.

It was telling me to keep me up, I think.

Provoking thoughts to create nightmares about the skeletons in my life.

Let me sleep tonight.

Whisper the hopes and happiness of my life.

Craddle me.

Protect me.

Let me sleep for tonight.

I finally thought about why I take school so seriously and others don’t. It’s because I value knowledge. I’m not in college to simply get a degree. I don’t read to just get an A on the test. My main goal is to become more informed and therefore more intelligent. That probably is the reason why I enjoy school so much.

My heart is so lonely for so many reasons. And I feel so bad that I can’t help her. You can’t force loneliness out. She comes and she goes as she pleases. Just hold on, heart. Get through just one more rough patch.

I know that’s what I always say, but one of these days I’ll mean it. And it’ll be true.

And your one true dream, will come to life and everything will be nice again.

Since it’s the first day of school, I guess my cats aren’t accustomed to waking up this early either.

Lassie is being all over me like she wants to ask, “Where you going? Where you going, huh?”

And Marley WAS up for a few minutes but now he’s passed out on my bed again. I wish I had his “Fuck this shit.” attitude. Alas, I do not. 

I had the funniest fucking dream last night. Which is an extremely rare occurrence for me.

Apparently my oldest sister Lauren was pregnant with a girl so we were throwing her a babyshower in her new (confusing) house. I was using the restroom and walked out and said ,”The toilet is gone!” Which it was. 

We found out that there was a missing pigeon that belongs in the bathroom and then the toilet will appear.

“OH, OF COURSE.” we all thought.

Not too long after we found the pigeon walking around in the backyard so me and my sister walked over to it as a bunch of other guests watched us. It ended up flying towards us and scaring the shit out of us. So we backed off laughing our asses off that we were afraid of a pigeon.

Then out of nowhere a family friend comes out of one of the doorways dressed up like a fucking pigeon! And gained the birds trust and led it back into the bathroom.

Everyone  in my dream, including myself, was laughing sooo hard at the fact this person just dressed up like a fucking pigeon.

Don’t kiss me like you mean it.

That’s how you fooled me before.

Come to me and fuck me,

      but leave your false passion at the door.

I don’t need those tender kisses

      and no face caressing, it’s true.

Just fuck me like you don’t mean it

      and fuck me, you’ll do.

(Source: katiedarlingg)

I’m going shopping today.

Which is not so much a pleasurable task but a daunting hunt. 

I need pants. Pants that are long, high waisted, and reasonably priced for a poor college kid.

I also need more flats.

And maybe a blouse or two.

LETS. DO. THIS. SELF.

Fun Fact: I like going shopping by myself.

Look to the east, honey.

You’ll see me their waiting,

   silently on the hill we met that one day.

Do you remember that one day?

The day my entire earth shifted beneath my feet into your light

     and everything shined a bit brighter.

Time is in my favor because I have all of it for you.

Nothing in your expenses, but mine.

You left me on the hill, that one day, honey.

Do you remember that one day?

The day my entire earth shifted beneath my feet into my darkness.

Everything shined much duller then

    and now.

Look to the east, honey.

Shift my earth for one last time.

They said that your life was a sad sad story.

Beginning with love and hope and promise.

“Then what happened?” you asked.

What ever happens to anyone?

       love and hate. 

       drugs and escape.

       sex and belonging.

       abandonment and void.

What ever happens to anyone?

I’ll tell you a story of a sad sad girl

        hoping to one day make it.

Born to parents in love, she grew.

Not too long her father said, “I’m done.” and started anew.

Mother and daughter cried over lost love and wept

         over false hate.

Life carried on and the girl left home too young

     to live a life of escape.

She lived with a man, her first true love, but realized drugs were the glue.

So she cried over the empty escape and failed drugs.

But not too long after, she suited up and that girl became a woman.

This woman is a sight to see, she really is.

Experiences made her a goddess of wisdom

      and a goddess of strength.

I will not speak of the details because those are not mine to tell.

But I can say that the “sad sad” story turned into a beautiful story still

      full of love and hope and promise.

This is a story of a bittersweet life

      full of lemons and sweet tea.

But if you learn, like she had learned,

      lemon can taste symphonic with tea.

I was driving home from a great time at Syd and Kerby’s (brits home too but she wasn’t home). Sydney made a yummy dinner and then we all watched America’s Funniest Home Videos on the couch. It was so much fun. They call me “The Commentator”. Their joke is that we should just mute the TV and let me commentate. I have something to say about EVERY video. Yes. I’m one of THOSE people.

Anyways, back to the purpose of my story: As I leisurely drove home listening to Thou (the best thinking music ever), I realized how…how do I say this? …pretty awesome I am. This is going to sound so horrible, but I want to meet a girl who mirrors me in a lot of ways. Same interests, same tastes, same goals. I’m not saying everything has to be identical, but I just want someone who I can share a lot of similar interests with and feel comfortable around because we’re one of the same. And then while on this “how awesome I am” thought, for the first time I fully realized that one day I’ll have a bachelor degree. I’ve been working towards it for two years but it hit me that, in a few years, I’ll be a college graduate. 

Some of you might be thinking, “Well you think this now, but you never know, you could drop out.” See, dropping out or just giving up on education is not acceptable for me. It just isn’t an option. Which I’m glad it is, because I love school. I’m actually planning on getting a masters. That makes me really excited too. Especially excited, because I know I can do it.

Ok, enough boasting about myself. I think everyone should boast about themselves once in awhile. Give yourself a little credit and make yourself feel self confident. That’s the best. If you’re reading this, I think you should go to my ask, boast about yourself to me, I’ll give you props, and post it on my blog for all to see that we should be proud of ourselves no matter what. No matter how society may make ‘talking about one self in a positive way’ to be perceived as “conceited” when a lot of the time it’s just being proud to be who you are and what you’ve done.